Action in the ER, Part 1
submitted January 20, 2003
Categories: Doctor
After graduating from medical school, I did a two-year residency in urology. The male reproductive organ had always fascinated me, primarily due to the variety of functions the penis can perform.
Think about your penis for just a moment. It can be soft one moment and hard the next. It can be a great source of fun and likewise cause you enormous grief. You can piss with it in the morning and make babies with it in the evening. Some are small and some are big. Most men prefer big. Cut or uncut remains a continued hot debate. Additionally, your penis can have a mind of its own, producing unwanted erections when you least expect them, or going limp at just the most inopportune moment. You can stick your dick in just about any available hole, if that’s your thing. Most men think about their dick six or seven times per hour. Some men even name their pecker, such as “Aerosol Andy” or “Fire Hose Fred.” Well, you get the picture.
After my residency and prior to establishing a medical practice, I decided to spend one year as an emergency room doctor. You can learn a lot in the ER and believe me, you’ll see it all. No known medical condition will escape you in the ER.
It was a Sunday afternoon, and things were rather slow in the ER. I decided to have an early dinner in the hospital cafeteria. Returning to the ER about 4 pm, the nurse held up a clipboard, rolled her eyes, handed me the chart, and said, “Room 5 Doctor.” I looked at the chart, which had the words, “Patient will not speak to anyone except a male doctor.” Typically, the admissions desk will not accept such a patient, unless of course that patient happens to have what we in the business call, “insurance gold.” This basically means the coverage is unlimited, which means we can charge more. Given the verbiage on the chart, somehow I knew this was going to involve a penis.
I opened the door to Room 5. Sitting on the exam table was a young man, probably around 25 years old. A very attractive woman, also about the same age, accompanied him. After introducing myself and determining his name was Kyle, I asked the often imitated, but never duplicated question by doctors--“What’s the problem Kyle?”
“I’ve had an erection since noon, and it refuses to subside,” said Kyle with some degree of terror in his voice. This was going to be interesting. “Perhaps you should wait outside young lady,” I said to what then was determined to be Kyle’s bride of only four weeks. She kissed her husband and left the room in tears.
Next I started asking Kyle some questions, which are essential to determining what the problem might be.
“Were you having sexual intercourse?” I ask Kyle, who responded that indeed he was but had to stop after 2 hours … seems the little bride couldn’t take it any more. Can’t say I blame her.
“Have you had oral sex this afternoon?” I asked, for no particular reason. “Yeah, after intercourse, I though that would help the situation--but it only made it worse!” replied Kyle.
“How long did you have foreplay?” was my next question, again for no particular reason. “About 2 or 3 minutes,” responded Kyle. This man just jumps right in.
Kyle went on to explain that this had never happened before. He was obviously concerned about his condition, as was I.
“Okay Kyle, lay down and let’s take a look,” I said. Kyle was wearing very loose cut off jeans, which effectively concealed his erection. Once he was in position, I removed his shoes, socks, pants and boxers, exposing a very large erect penis. Kyle was truly blessed. The head of his dick was a deep purple, and his balls had expanded noticeably. This was a clear sign that Kyle was holding a very large load of cum, just screaming to be released.
“When’s the last time you ejaculated Kyle,” I asked, expecting to hear yesterday since he was a newly wed. “Ah, last Sunday as I recall,” answered Kyle, adding, “I just returned from a business trip last night, so today was my first opportunity to have sex.”
“Have you masturbated during the past week?” was my next question. “Absolutely not!” said Kyle, almost incensed that I would even entertain the notion. Well, I had to ask.
I slipped on a pair of surgical gloves and began my examination. While the purple head of his penis was a concern to me, I pealed back the piss hole, which appeared to be normal in color and texture. The shaft also appeared normal. “Tell me if this hurts,” as I squeezed his dick in an effort to determine if there was any pain. “Kind of,” replied the young man, obviously embarrassed by this unusual situation. I think he was relived his wife had left the room.
“Okay Kyle, here’s what we’re going to do,” I said in my most professional medical tone. “First, I’m going to inject your penis with a muscle relaxant to see if it will return to the flaccid state.” Thinking to myself, I had no idea what the second procedure would be should the injection not work.
I prepared the needle, with the proper amount of relaxant. Unfortunately, Kyle saw me do this and flipped! “Relax,” said, “You’ll barely feel it.” Doctors are very good at administering pain. I grabbed his dick in my left hand and injected the solution at the base of his penis, holding the needle in my right hand. Kyle almost fainted.
While I was waiting for the erection to subside, I discarded the gloves and washed my hands. Kyle lay patiently on the table, with his eyes fixated on his erection. Five minutes passed. Nothing. Ten minutes were now gone. The solution should have worked by now. Then it struck me.
“Kyle, how many Viagra pills did you take this morning?” I asked, knowing damn well he better not lie to me.
“Ah, three. One of my buddies had a sample. I had to try ‘em,” said Kyle, obviously now humiliated.
Now I was stumped. It was essential that first, we get that load of cum out of Kyle, and second get his dick back to a normal state. I decided on an alternative procedure.
“Okay, here’s what were going to do,” I said, adding, “I’m going to lubricate your penis and attempt to force an ejaculation.” The translation of this treatment was, of course, I was going to masturbate Kyle. “Whatever it takes Doc,” said Kyle, anxious for a return to normal. Prior to starting, I had Kyle remove his shirt, which meant he was completely naked on the table.
I snapped on a second pair of gloves, applied a generous amount of KY jelly to the penis in question, and started my treatment. Applying more than normal pressure on the penis, I stroked the shaft hard and occasionally moved my hand up over the still purple head. With my left hand, I massaged his balls hoping this would hasten the ejaculation. Kyle had placed his hands behind his head. Hey, the kid might as well enjoy the therapy. After ten minutes of intense pressure on his penis, I asked Kyle if he felt any signs of life meaning of course, “Do you think you’re going to cum any time soon?” The answer was no. Kyle and I made small talk while I continued to beat the living hell out of his dick.
Twenty minutes had passed. I applied even more pressure, working the shaft and head vigorously. I was bound and determine to make this work. Suddenly Kyle spoke up.
“Doc,” said Kyle excitedly, “I feel something.” Perfect, as I continued to masturbate the patient. “Let me know when,” I told Kyle. “Oh Jesus!” screamed Kyle, as several rivers of cum spurted from his dick. My God almighty, I have never seen such a large volume of love juice at one time. This ought to be a case study! Kyle was sweating like a pig and his entire body was jerking uncontrollably. I released my hand from his dick and watched it go slowly limp. Even soft, Kyle had a big penis. His balls, having released their contents on Kyle’s chest, were returning to normal.
I removed the gloves and wiped the cum off Kyle’s body with a wet towel. As I was washing my hands, Kyle started to get dressed. “Just a moment young man, stay put,” I said, again in a very professional medical voice.
I told Kyle to place his hands behind his head, again fully exposing his fully naked body. After drying my hands, I walked up to Kyle, put my face within 3 inches of his eyes, and grabbed his now soft penis. “Listen to me Kyle,” I lectured, “If you ever pull a stunt like this again, there is a possibility you could do permanent damage to your manhood.” I squeezed his dick as hard as I could and continued my speech. “Your penis is a incredible piece of equipment. Never abuse it. Understood?”
Kyle’s face was filled with fear. That was exactly my intention. “Yes, Doctor,” said Kyle. “Thanks.”
“Now get dressed and go home,” I said very calming.
As I was leaving the room, a final thought occurred to me. “By the way Kyle, that injection of muscle relaxant I administered will preclude you from obtaining an erection for … probably several months,” I said, closing the door.
Yeah, it was a lie, but he’d find out sooner or later.
Next Installment: A Zipper a Dick and a Hole