Action in the ER, Part 2
submitted January 22, 2003
Categories: Doctor
Several weeks past since I had successfully treated Kyle. I’d been put on day shift in the emergency room, which suited me just fine. Weekends are especially stressful, particularly Saturday nights what with all the gun shot wounds and automobile accidents. The ER gets a lot of domestic disturbance cases, where one spouse has beat the hell out of the other. I especially like the ones where the wife or girl friend has kicked a man in the crotch, inflicting various levels of pain.
It was a Wednesday afternoon just after lunch. I had just returned from refilling my coffee cup when I heard a disturbance at the reception desk. There were two men arguing with the volunteer on duty. “What’s the problem here?” I asked the receptionist. She explained these two gentlemen needed to see a doctor, but would not divulge what it was all about. I spotted the insurance card, which apparently one of the men had thrown at the receptionist. Jack pot …it was one of those “gold” cards.
“Follow me men,” as I directed them to the empty waiting room. “What’s the difficulty?” I asked. The older man spoke up. “This is my construction foreman, Tom. He has accidentally caught his dick in his zipper!” That would explain why Tom was wearing a trench coat…the last I checked it was eighty degrees outside.
“Okay Tom, follow me. Your friend can remain here,” I said, directing the patient to an empty exam room. He was obviously in pain.
I got Tom seated on the exam table and removed the trench coat. God, this was awful. There was his penis caught in his zipper. Fortunately there was no blood, which would be a big problem. It’s no wonder this happened. Tom had an uncircumcised penis with what I considered an excessive amount of foreskin. There were about five zipper teeth caught.
“This hurts like hell Doc,” said Tom as I laid him down on the table.
“Just relax,” I said, stepping over to the counter to prepare an injection of anesthetic.
“Jesus, what are you do’in Doc?” asked Tom, wide-eyed after seeing the needle.
“Relax Tom, I’m just going to deaden the nerves in you penis so I can remove the zipper teeth,” I said very confidently. I’d never done this before.
“Will it hurt?” ask Tom.
“Of course not,” I lied.
I reached inside Tom’s pants and boxers, just enough to find the base of his dick. There I administered the anesthetic, which should take hold immediately. Tom flinched when the needle penetrated his dick. Seconds later, I held the end of Tom’s penis, which was mostly foreskin, in my hand. “Feel anything Tom?” I asked. “No” was the response. Good. Now it was time to remove those zipper teeth.
I grabbed some small needle-nose pliers from the “tool” drawer and began my work. The first zipper tooth popped out immediately. The second one was slightly more difficult, and I didn’t want to risk any bleeding. Working carefully, I very slowly worked my way around the second zipper tooth, releasing it from the skin. All the while, I’m holding Tom’s dick in my left hand, working with my right hand.
Suddenly Tom’s dick starts to move. This dude’s getting an erection. This could be a big problem, since the expanding dick could stretch the remaining zipper teeth and tear the penis shaft. Because Tom’s dick was numb, he apparently was unaware of his pending condition. To my astonishment, two of the zipper teeth actually released themselves as Tom’s dick became fully erect. Well that was easy. The last zipper tooth was also easy to remove, since it too had become semi-loose during the erection. One snip with the pliers, and we were done with that part.
“Okay Tom, the hard part is over. Are you still in pain?” I asked knowing what the response should be.
“Actually no, can’t feel a thing. Hey! Do I have a boner?” asked Tom as he looked down at his crotch, only to see his erect dick sticking out from his fly.
“Yeah, don’t worry about it,” I said, knowing he was probably embarrassed. “Okay Tom, I’m going to remove your pants and underwear so I can get a better look at the damage.” That done, Tom lay naked from the waste down on the table, sporting a woody that unfortunately he couldn’t even feel. The foreskin had retreated down the shaft, with a very large mushroom head being the focal point of his dick. Tom had an unusually large piss hole as well as oversized balls.
I picked Tom’s penis up with both hands to begin my examination. The zipper teeth had fortunately not penetrated the skin to the point where stitches would be required. Tom’s dick was really hard by this point. “Hey Doc, I can feel something down there,” said Tom as I continued my examination.
“Yeah, its just the anesthetic wearing off,” was my answer. Concluding that the only remaining medical procedure was to coat the penis with a topical solution, I pulled a sample from a drawer and spread the ointment on Tom’s still erect dick.
By the time I had finished applying the ointment, Tom had regained full control over the nerves in his penis. Suddenly, Tom’s legs started to stiffen. “Hey Doc,” said Tom excitedly, “I think I’m about to cum!” Well, let her rip, I thought. Sure enough, Tom let loose with a goodly amount of cum, most of it landing in his very thin bush. “Jesus!” said Tom, “Sorry about that … I couldn’t help it!” I’d obviously seen it before. Handing Tom a wet towel to clean up, I told him it would be necessary to reapply the ointment. Tom’s dick had by now went limp, so it was necessary to pull back the foreskin to coat the head. Once complete, I asked Tom if there was anything else he needed.
“Actually Doc, since I’m here,” said Tom, “My hemorrhoids are killing me. Could you take a look?” I wasn’t sure how I would explain this on the insurance form … “removed zipper from penis and checked for hemorrhoids.” There probably wasn’t a code for this dual treatment.
“Yeah, sure,” I said, directing Tom to stand up and bend over the exam table. After washing my hands and snapping on some gloves, I pulled a stool up to Tom’s rear end, spread his legs some more and pulled apart his crack. Mercy I thought to myself. This was very nasty. I pulled the portable light over to get a better look. Expanding Tom’s anus with both thumbs, I could determine no visible hemorrhoids. Just to be sure however, I grabbed some lubricant, greased up my finger, and inserted it into Tom’s very tight anus. “Ouch!” said Tom, as by now I had my entire index finger up his butt. Just for the hell of it I rotated my finger a number of times just to see the patient reaction.
What Tom actually had was hemorrhoid tags, which actually grow on the outside of one’s hole. There was about twelve in total. All were red and appeared to be infected. This would require some minor surgery.
“Okay Tom, up on the table on all fours,” I said very professionally, not divulging my initial diagnosis.
“You mean like a dog?” asked Tom, incredulously. I had also removed Tom’s tee shirt and socks, which meant he was now totally naked.
Tom assumed the position. I spread his legs a little more to get better access to his infected butt hole. Better check his prostate for a second time. Again I inserted a lubed finger up his ass and again using a rotating action. I could see Tom’s large balls hang down, fully exposed. Maybe I’d best get to work here.
“What you have Tom,” I reported, “Are what’s called hemorrhoid tags, which form on the outside of your anus. I recommend removal, since they appear to be infected. Do you scratch your butt much?”
“Ah, sometimes,” Tom replied. Sometimes my ass! It looked like that’s about all he did. But, not wanting to be judgmental, I proceeded to lance each tag. Tom said it hurt. I urged him to endure the pain, since I was almost finished. Once complete, I made sure there was no blood and coated each tag with a special antiseptic. And while there was no guarantee that the tags would not return, “This ought to fix you up for now,” I reported to Tom.
“Ah Doc,” announced Tom, “I’ve got another erection.” This didn’t surprise me, since many men get hard when having their prostrate examined. “I can’t leave here like this!” Tom concluded. Well, there was always the trench coat.
Then I had an idea. “Okay Tom, here’s the plan,” I said, continuing, “I will reinsert my lubed finger into your anus, which should eventually result in ejaculation.” Tom said that would be OK, ending with “You’re the Doc.” We doctors love that line, since it gives us virtually unlimited control over the patient.
I had Tom turn over on his back, lifting his legs in a scissor position, which would allow me to insert my finger easily into his hole. Greased up again, my finger slid into the chocolate highway as Tom’s balls rested on the top of my hand. Tom was breathing noticeably hard, with his eyes fixated on the ceiling. There was some movement in his erect dick, but nothing that would suggest an ejaculation anytime soon. I then slipped another finger up his ass, which Tom instantly sensed. “It hurts Doc,” said Tom who was now starting to sweat.
“Just concentrate on an ejaculation,” I all but commanded.
After about five more minutes, Tom slapped his palms on the exam table, sucked his stomach in and promptly came. Once again, it landed in his pubic hair. I released my finger from his asshole and cleaned Tom up, being careful not to disturb the ointment I had previously placed in his dick.
As Tom got dressed, I highly recommend in the future he be careful when taking a piss, noting the sensitivity of the penis, “Particularly with all the foreskin you have.”
Prior to his leaving, I searched the medicine cabinet for another sample of the ointment, which was applied to Tom’s penis. We had apparently run out. There was however a similar product, which should last about 30 days. Handing the medicine to Tom and giving him instructions for use, we said good-bye and he left the building.
Unfortunately, the substitute product I gave Tom contained a numbing compound, which effectively would prevent erections as long as it was used. Hopefully Tom would not return to the ER complaining of a limp dick.
Next Installment: A Rash and a Shave