Gay Erotic Stories

We worked as security guards and the two of us got assigned to the night shift at a rubber plant. They made tires, actually, not rubbers. The place was dirty and smelled rotten. Everything was covered in a black dust and oily residue that was hard to wash off. It even got into your hair! Macall used the shower room after our shift but I was just changing out of my uniform and waiting until I got home to shower. That interested him. Why, why, why? He had way too many questions!

I came up with this theory that Macall was a repressed gay man and he was trying to find out if it was safe to talk about it. I became so convinced that I decided to go ahead and tell him … break the ice in case he wanted to talk about his repression and the problems that created. I was trying to be helpful, you know? The next time he brought it up I was determined to lay it out. The opportunity came about near the end of our shift one evening when he started in again about the communal showers.

“It just don’t make sense, Kelly! You’re going to get this shit all in your car and all over your street clothes … what’s wrong with you? Have you got scars you don’t want me to see or are you just queer and afraid you can’t take the sight of my naked body without going ape?” He grinned. He usually did his prying with humor, as it that made it NOT rude.

“Look, Macall … you’ve been giving me the third degree for weeks. I’m tired of it, okay? I’m not afraid of the truth, I’m just a private person … but I am gay, yes. Now you know. It’s not something to be ashamed of but it could cause me social problems at work so I don’t talk about it.”

“Yeah! I knew it.” He laughed. “I really didn’t think you’d ever trust me enough to tell me, though. Guess that’s what bothered me about you not talking; it seemed you didn’t trust me or something, so I kind of twisted the knife, huh? Sorry abut that. I grew up with a gay cousin, Jack … he’s about my age so we hung out together a lot. I understand, okay? I ain’t going to go passing stories around about you or nothing! Shit! I’m just glad you told me, now I feel better. Thanks.”

“Do you still see you cousin, Jack?”

“Hell, yeah! He’s my room mate. My best friend, too. He’s a cool guy. I’d like for you to meet him sometime.”

“Hey, that would be great. Anytime!”

“And that still doesn’t explain why you won’t shower with me … does it? I mean, is that the only reason, because you’re gay?” We’d reached the locker room and he began undressing.

“That’s enough reason, isn’t it? It could become embarrassing, you know?” I slowly took off my shirt. I always waited until he’d gotten into the showers before I took off my pants.

“It wouldn’t be embarrassing for me, Kelly. Come on, don’t make a big thing of it, okay? Do you trust me or not? I ain’t going to laugh if you get turned on. Hell, I’ll be flattered and besides, anytime you want this thing, you got it.” He was naked by then and he grabbed his dick and shook it. “If you don’t look, I’ll be hurt!” He gave me little boy’s sullen pout.

I glanced down. “Thank you, but no thanks. It’s a fine looking tool but I’m not in the mood, Macall. You scare me, you know that?”

“What? Because I got this gigantic cock?” He laughed. He was joking. He had a nice, average dick, not a showpiece and he knew it.

“Not that. You scare me because I’m the private guy, remember? You keep pushing me to open up and do a public disclosure or something. Why is that? Why do you care?”

“Because I grew up with Jack! I saw all the pain and the hidden anger he went through because he couldn’t just be himself. He was 22 before he told the family and he’s been getting better ever since. Does you family know, about you?”

“Yes, they do. They don’t like it but they know. They never talk about it, either. I guess I learned from them.”

“You learned too much from them! … Hey!” He looked me up and down, hands on his hips. “I’m not leaving until you take off your pants, understand? You’re putting it off until I go into the shower, right? Not this time!” He sat down on the bench in front of me and crossed his arms. “I can wait as long as you.” He grinned.

“What’s with you?” I sighed. “It really doesn’t matter … I don’t care.” I dropped my uniform pants and shoved down my underwear, spread out my arms and turned. “See? No secrets! I’ve seen your body and you’ve seen mine.”

“Great!” He stood up and grabbed my arm, pulled me towards the showers. “Now you can stop being silly and come shower with me, keep me company.”

I tugged back, reflexively.

“Why? What’s wrong now?” He stopped, studied me from lowered eyes.

“Nothing. Okay, let’s go...” I gave up.

We were under the showers when he told me, “By the way … you’ve got a nice looking build, good ass, decent size dick, too. Nothing to be ashamed off, Kelly! You look good naked, better than you do in clothes, really!” He grinned.

“Thanks. You too…. Very good looking ass …” I grinned, “Can I wash it for you? Soap it up real good?”

He laughed. “Sure! If you want to. Can’t fuck me though, sorry. It’s virgin and I can’t stand pain. I’m a sissy about pain, can’t take it at all!”

“Then I better not wash it. I’m sure I’d get a hard on.” I laughed.

“Hey, that wouldn’t be a problem. I’ve seen a hard dick before … Go ahead, wash my back and you can feel up my ass. I’d like to see you bone up. That would be a liberating experience for you, I’ll bet … To let a straight man see you with a hard on. Right? Besides, if I get you in the right mood, you might suck my dick, huh?”

“Oh, ho! Now I get it. All this shit about helping me liberate my inhibitions... It’s really all about getting your cock sucked, right?”

“Hey, I warned you ... Remember? I like getting my nut, what’s wrong with that?” He did his little boy face.

“Well, it’s selfish, for one thing. You get off but what about the poor guy doing all the work, do you get him off, too?”

“No … I figured if he liked doing it, that was his reward…don’t you like sucking dick?” He looked puzzled.

“Sure. But I also like getting my nut, too. Do you ever take candy from babies? It’s easy. Just as easy as using a man’s sexual desire to your own advantage. Sex should be a part of a committed relationship … a shared passion… I know, I’ve heard of the sexual revolution and recreational sex … yeah. I just want to keep some romantic ideals, if you don’t mind!”

He didn’t laugh. He was watching my face, as if to see if I were being serious … or still joking. He looked pained, concerned. I tried to make amends.

“Look, I’m sorry, Macall … if I touched a nerve, I didn’t mean to… I was just talking about myself. Recreational sex is fine if both guys know that’s all it is … but too many times I think the gay man harbors secret hope … he believes the sex will bring him closer to the straight man… thinks it will even make him love him in return. I’ve never found that to be … more than … painful for the gay man.” I turned away and rinsed off. Macall followed me back to our lockers. He was quiet, kept watching my face.

“Hey … thanks for showering with me … you gave me a lot to think about, too. Not sure if I can thank you for that.” He grinned but it was subdued.

“Like I said, it wasn’t about you … it was about me. I didn’t know about you and Jack, not when I said it … but I figured it out, okay? Be careful, Mac … I know you care about him…?”

“Yeah. Thanks. I do. I will, Kelly, I’ll be more careful now.” He dressed in rare silence.

We were leaving. “I did enjoy the shower. It was a good idea and I did feel a certain liberation being naked and friendly with a straight guy, not worrying about what he’d think of me… You did a good thing, Mac. You made me feel better. I’m glad I told you, about me … glad we talked … I think we can be friends, now. I hope we can be friends?” I held out my hand.

“Sure … We’re already friends, man. I knew that, didn’t you?” He pulled me to his chest for a quick hug and waved bye as he jogged to his car. No, I didn’t realize that, Macall … not until tonight.

It was a few days later, not sure how many, and we were sitting at the conference table in the front office, eating our sandwiches. Mac kept glancing up at me, like he wanted to say something but he waited until we’d finished and he lit a smoke. Then, “You was pretty much right, Kelly … I mean about me and Jack. I’ve been thinking about it every day, I swear.”

“Huh? Right about what?”

“Come on, you know … he’s been blowing me for years… ever since we were kids. I always thought of it as just sex … recreational sex, like you said … but several times I got to thinking it was more that that to Jack … I just wouldn’t think about it. Not until you said it… about hurting somebody, you know? And I been wondering if it hurts Jack, if he regrets it … If he still wishes for more from me. I love the guy, Kell, I really do … just not like that, you know. I always thought he’d find somebody like him, a gay man to care about and live with… make a life. But he don’t even try, man! He never goes out or nothing. He just sits at the apartment and waits for me to come home. He cooks and cleans like a wife and it makes me crazy that he just waits for me. I can’t go out without feeling guilty and that sucks, big time! Okay, listen, that’s what got me started with you, okay? I got the idea you was gay right off, and I figured I could introduce you to Jack and … I mean, you’re a nice guy, a good looking guy, okay? I was hoping maybe…?” He waited …

“You was hoping I would take Jack off your hands? Hoping I would salve your guilt for you? Why don’t I feel flattered? You’ve been using your cousin for a sex toy for years and now you want me to help absolve your guilt? I don’t think you should get out of it that easy. I think you should talk to Jack, tell him exactly what you’ve been thinking … feeling. Tell him you know you were wrong to let it go on so long and ask him to forgive you if he can.

Cut him loose, Mac … that’s the only way. Don’t try and fix his life for him, that’s like saying he’s a cripple, he’s a child … just be honest and let him make his own decisions about where he goes from here. He might have been out there looking for a lover if he didn’t have you to depend on. You were a substitute lover for him … I’ll bet he’s devoted to you, right? I’ll bet he would do anything for you … and it’s going to really kill him when you tell him you’ll never love him like that in return. But he has to face it. He has to find somebody to invest in, somebody to build a real relationship… not a fake one.” I watched Mac’s face. It didn’t look happy. “I’m proud of you, Mac … for facing up to this. I’ve thought about it, too… every since that night.”

“You didn’t give me much choice, did you? I mean, you hit me with it … forced me to see it…”

“You already knew it was wrong.”

“Yeah, I knew that … but it was really good, too. Good for me. I thought it was good for Jack, sometimes. Just fooling myself, I guess. If he moves out then I’ll have to find a woman, won’t I? I’ll have to find somebody to wash and cook and take care of me … I don’t know if I can do that, Kelly. I’ve never met a woman I wanted to live with, not ever! Jack has spoiled me, no woman will ever put up with the shit he lets me pull! Can you imagine any woman letting me go out? Sitting there, waiting patiently for me to come home? I don‘t know, man… when I think about losing Jack, it scares me!”

“Yeah, I can see that, Mac. You guys actually have a really close relationship, huh? He depends on you and you depend on him … it’s kind of a twisted relationship, though, isn’t it? He can’t be the woman you want and you can’t be the lover he wants …”

“What if he doesn’t really want more, Kell? What if he doesn’t really want a man to do anything for him … everybody is not like you. Maybe he just needs a man to lay back and let him … you know… that’s all he ever asked of me.”

“But what if he did, Mac… what if he wants more but he knows you can’t do it? He knows you’re not gay, he knows you would be disgusted if you touched him…”

“Aw, that’s not true, man! I think I would have done stuff for him … if he really wanted me to … you know, we been doing this for years and it’s not that disgusting to me. I’ve touched him, really. It doesn’t bother me. I don’t act like most straight men, huh? I guess I’ve got used to this stuff. It doesn’t seem weird or nothing… seems like the most natural thing in the world. I’ve even wondered if … you know? Wondered if maybe I’m...” He paused, watched my eyes.

“Wondered if you were gay? Don’t be ridiculous!” I almost laughed. “You think sex changes people? So why does a gay man know he’s gay even when he’s been married to a woman for years, huh? Why doesn’t all that sex with a woman make him change? We can’t change what we are, Mac … if you were gay you’d know it by now, God! At fourteen, a guy might not be sure, even at twenty he might wonder … you’re twenty eight, man! You know who you are! If you lay in bed with Jack and wish he was a woman then you’re straight. Do you think about a woman while he does it? I’ll bet you do!”

“Well, not always. No. I used to, sure. But I know it’s Jack. I got no problem with that. I like Jack. I don’t have to pretend it’s somebody else, shit! And sometimes I even think about another guy, how you like that? I’ve closed my eyes and thought about you. Deal with that, okay?”

“Me?” I grinned… was he kidding me? “Why in hell would you think about me?”

“Hell, I don’t know, Kell… You’re the psychology major … you tell me.” He jumped up from the table. “Gotta go call in. We’re late!” He ran for the phone.

Later when the evening was quiet and we sat down for a coffee: “I’ve heard about gay men who were strictly top-men, right? And some gay guys are totally into the bottom slot … you know?” He leaned towards me.

“Yeah, so?” Here comes some more of his rationalizations.

“So how can you be so damn sure I’m NOT gay? Where, exactly, do you draw that line? Maybe I’m at least bi-sexual, huh? I really do like both, no lie.” He crushed out his cigarette with a quick jab of impatience. “Shit! I never figured it out, man … for real.”

“Oh, gee Mac … Nobody can tell you what’s inside your heart … if it’s not clear to you then how …”

“That’s what I mean … how can it be clear? How do YOU know, how does Jack know?”

“It’s easy for me, probably for Jack, too. Guys like us, and I’m only guessing about Jack, okay? … We only think about men. There’s really no choice in the matter. Women don’t do anything for me at all. I can’t even imagine sex with a woman! But for most people it’s more like you, I think … there really is a conscious choice. What was the number Masters and Johnson found? Seventy five percent of men have sex with another man sometime during their lives? That says a lot, doesn’t it? Homosexual activity is not as disgusting as men claim in public, that’s all image bullshit. Men are sexually adaptable; they’ll use most anything at hand to get off on, right? A baseball glove, a cow, a sheep, a leather glove … it doesn’t really matter because they’re erotically charged, pressure loaded, you know? A fist, a mouth, an ass, a pussy … most any warm container that will co-operate or just hold still for them!” We both laughed but Macall brushed the humor aside to think about it seriously. He ducked his head, stared at the floor.

“Every time I think about losing Jack I get a little crazy, Kelly.” His face came up to look at me, the pain was visible. “But I still want to go out on the weekends and grab some pussy. I love women, Kell … and I don’t want to feel guilty about leaving Jack alone … and I do think about other men, like you and like Brad Pitt and maybe Colin Farrell … you know? I want it all, man. But I got this feeling it’s about to all come crashing down … I feel like a time is coming when I gotta make some hard choices, get with a program or something… my life is running amuck! Nobody at the wheel … Me and Jack, that’s the only steady thing I ever had …?” He looked up at me with the question in his face. “What if I been lying to myself all these years, huh? What if I really do love the guy … don’t know if I can do the one eighty, man … I’m too old for an identity crisis, right?”

“Nobody’s too old for self discovery, Mac. I got no answers for you. The truth has to come from inside you. You want to talk to Jack … You’re just practicing on me … I don’t count in this thing. I’m just a spectator, I’m not the judge.”

His old grin peeped out … “What I was wondering was, maybe if we did it, you and me? Maybe it would help me see the truth … you could give me an unbiased opinion if I’m straight or not, right?”

“Sure.” I watched his face, a long steady stare. He blanched, did the comic double take.

“Huh? I mean …You would?”

“Sure. What’s the harm, right? You’ve been cheating on Jack all these years … He must be used to it by now. Hell, I’ve seen women married to cheating bastards for years. Must be some kind of genetic thing, identification with pain, maybe they get to enjoy it … a sort of martyr complex, right? You just keep proving to yourself Jack isn’t enough for you and he keeps proving he is unconditionally in love with you … why should I be any different? Well, I’ll tell Jack, that’s one thing. You wouldn’t mind, would you? You wouldn’t care if we got together and compared notes, would you? How can I decide if you’re really gay or bi-sexual or just a manipulative opportunist unless I discuss it with Jack?” I was nice; I didn’t use the malicious voice. I spoke slow and softly. “You ready now? Drop your pants.”

“Hey, hey …” He tried a grin, a chuckle … It didn’t work. “It ain’t like that, man … I’m not trying to prove anything … “

“Is Jack enough for you, Mac?” I kept it easy and sweet. “If it was a true/false question, no middle ground, could you give up all the outside sex for him? He makes it obvious you are enough for him … he’s waiting for you to grow up. Are you too old for that?”

“Shit. Fuck you, Kelly. Just fuck you.” Mac got up and walked away, head down and silent.

“Well, the apartment is more like his than mine. I paid most of the bills but all the stuff is his. He bought the curtains, the furniture, the bed sheets, and the fucking towels… shit. None of it is, like, mine? Maybe the TV and the recliner, that’s about it. So I figured I’d just move out, start over. Hell, a pack of paper plates and a bed roll, I’m home.”

“See? That’s a straight man for you, no nesting instincts. You guys are all nomads, less stuff to carry the better.” I wouldn’t let the pity show through. He couldn’t take it.

We were walking the pattern, making the rounds. Our flashlights made a double path down the corridor. Mac was so close to tears I could smell them. He did the usual “care less” number but he was faking it, coming apart inside. I couldn’t get over the feeling it was all my fault. I’d somehow imposed my values onto their lives. It wasn’t fair. But Mac had no right to bring me into it, either.

“Listen, man … Mac?” I paused, could hardly walk and talk at the same time. “Why me, huh? Why did you pick me to do the dirty for you? If you wanted to leave Jack why couldn’t you do it on our own, why bring me into it?”

“What? No, I …uh, no, really … I uh …”

“Exactly.”

“I didn’t want to leave him, okay? But I knew I should. I’m straight. Selfish to stay, not right for him. Men, we’re all weak. We do the easy thing. I just needed some moral assistance. See? I saw you as the right guy at the right time. You were smart and compassionate, you got pretty high standards, you know? I guess it was working around you that made it all start to seem wrong. Hell, I don’t know, Kelly. I didn’t want to be an asshole all my fucking life, okay? Hell, Jack deserves a life, he deserves better than me, anyway.”

“Did he take it hard?”

“Yeah. Sure. What’d you think? I let him believe I’d always be there. I set him up for pain, right?”

“Men do. You guys always say “forever” and we get to choose to believe it or not. I guess Jack believed it, huh?”

“Yeah. Guess he did.”

“Crying? Hysterics? Grand Drama? What?”

“You kidding? Hell no. That ain’t Jack’s style. He’s a real quiet guy. He just got quieter. He didn’t say much … kept asking me if I was sure that’s what I wanted … more concerned about me being alone than himself. His eyes got big and glassy but no tears. He wouldn’t do that, not when I’m around, anyway.”

“Good for him. Classy.” I meant it.

“Yeah, I been telling you, right? Best guy I ever knew. Too bad I’m not gay. Right? I couldn’t do no better.” He glanced over at me, his face demanded something, begged for some clue I couldn’t fathom. He searched my face and gave up. I drew a blank.

“What? What do you want me to say, Mac? If you’re straight then you did the right thing, the noble thing … but if you really are gay but can’t admit it to yourself then you’re doing a really dumb thing, a tragic thing!”

He looked back at me, a small glance. “I guess I know that, too.”

Three weeks later he told me. “Jack’s got a new room mate.” He didn’t look at me, he smiled at the ceiling, searched the dark windows. He smelled like cheap gin.

“Really? So fast? But that’s great, right? Good news?”

“Sure. Seems like a nice enough guy, too. I met him on Sunday. Jack wanted us to meet, says I’m the only family he’s got.”

“I guess I can understand that. He wasn’t trying to make you jealous or …?”

“Jack? He never played games, not in his whole life. He says what he feels, feels what he says. Count on it.”

“Well, what do you feel? Are you happy for him?”

“Sure. No question. For him, I’m happy. Now if I could just meet the love of my straight life, Miss Wonderful Savior of Lost Men…. We could both come out of this scarless, right?”

“It takes time, Mac …”

“Didn’t take Jack long, did it?” Just a trace of hostility, there. Well, well, well. “All I ever meet is these bar fly sluts. I got to find a new place to meet women. Where’s the classy types hang out, huh? Not that they would look at me twice!”

“Try the library, join some clubs, ever been to church, Mac?”

“Yeah, church, right! Thanks for nothing.” His bitterness barred further discussion.

Few days later he comes in and I realize he always smells like gin. It’s in his clothes, his skin. He was mostly quiet during the shift and I missed the laughing and noisy guy he used to be. He perked up after we punched out, made a joke or two as we headed towards the showers. He almost got that old charm going, but now it was forced.

“Hey, remember when you would rather die than get naked with me?” He grinned as he peeled off his uniform.

“Not so long ago. Yeah, I was being a jerk. What can I say?”

“I say Thanks. This is the high point of my day, now. You know? Showering with you? I donno, it’s something I look forward to every fucking day! For real!”

“Yeah, end of the shift, time to go home. Best time of the day for me, too.” I took off my pants, sucked in my belly since he was watching me.

“Mmm--more than that to me. Not the time of day, just the closeness of being with you.” He frowned, thinking about it. “Guess I spend too much time alone, but being in here with you … all the stuff we’ve talked about … like we’ve shared something. When we take off all our clothes, it’s like all barriers down, right? Besides, I told you … you’re easy to look at naked. Nice bod and all that.” He grinned. A shadow of his old teasing charm passed and dissipated. “Be better if you ever looked at me, too. It’s like we could share a lot more, Kelly? If only you’d give a little … I tell you everything about my life and you tell me nothing. You’ve never mentioned your family, your friends, or a boyfriend?”

“Don’t, Mac. Don’t do that. You’ve never been interested in the details of my life. Funny, at first I thought you were nosey. But you just wanted to confirm your suspicions. As soon as you found out I was gay you never asked another personal question. We shared your life, your problems, and your feelings. Mine never came up in the discussion.” I gave him the traditional sad smile. I wasn’t being snippy, just laying out the truth. It hurts? Well, yeah. Guess it always does.

“Come on, Kell … I’m your friend. I’ve been your friend from the first, right? I …”

“Yes. Sorry. Had a bad day. I’m just in a mood.” I tried to shake it off. Couldn’t, not really. I didn’t realize just how one sided our friendship was until that moment.

“You know what you need?” He did a playful leer, shook his hips so his cock did a fast swing. “You need some fresh meat, man! Take me home and let’s party, Kell. We could both use a little party, right?” He came closer; put a hand on my neck … his thumb teased my earlobe.

I ducked my head, stepped back. “Thanks, Mac. I thought we agreed, just friends, no sex. Remember?”

“I was hoping you forgot.” He reached for my arm, paused as I turned away. “I need to be with somebody, Kell … somebody I care about, you know? Don’t have to be sex; just some personal time … some tender time.” His voice was tight, strained. I couldn’t listen. I stepped out of the showers, into the locker room.

His shouted words echoed off the tile, followed me. “Well, fuck me, Kell! That what you want? Come on back and get some of this ass! I ain’t a virgin no more, man. You already fucked me over … come on back, okay?” Then his voice went off into a shrill scream. “Jesus Christ, Kelly! I’m so fucked!”

I blocked him out, I guess. Not like me to leave anybody in that kind of psychic pain. I was thinking about myself, about the kind of man who would maintain a one sided friendship with a self absorbed egoist like Mac. I was thinking of me, of who I am, who I might become.

The morning shift found him. He bled to death in the shower. His note was stark and simple. He wrote in blood on the white wall … “ Jack , forever”.

..... jackertoo@aol.com ............