Save the whales. Collect the whole set. A day without sunshine is like, night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Remember, half the people you know are below average. He...
These are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now. These are from the old Hollywood Squares show in the 70's... Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high? A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A: George ...
15 Pieces of Advice to be Passed On—or Passed Over! 1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? - You shut the door. 3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there? 4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone. 5. Go for younger men. You might as well -...
An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the...
A couple, age 68, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Doctor, will you watch us have intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he charged them $10.00. This happened for several weeks in a row. The couple would make...
In a Texas bar, the bartender Fred was fed up with penis-boasting from the regulars. So to put an end to all the boasting Fred says to them, "Whip 'em out!" Fred pulls a yard stick from under the bar to begin measuring all the exposed cocks. Just then a gay guy walks into the bar. Fred asks the man if there is something that he can get for him. The gay guy replies, "I was going to...
Sonnet to Axilla Oh dewey depth, where pecs and lats conspire, converge to form a hallowed hollow A grotto gracious Nature would bestow, where it's its wont to glow and to perspire, To intoxicate and then inspire. In damp confinement tangled gardens grow With vines and bushes no botanies know A hidden jungle temple of desire Each Paradise with...
The FDA decided to place different kinds of warnings on all alcohol products to let customers know the risks involved: WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a...
A lady from California bought a piece of timberland in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she eared the top, she found a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, she slid down the tree and got many splinters in her private parts. In a lot of pain, she...
A ninety-year-old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy-year-old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on. ("The...
The Old Lady An The Bank President A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the...
15 Signs He Already HAS a Boyfriend 1. He wants to leave the club separately and meet you at the donut store. 2. He insists on going to YOUR car. 3. He wants to dance in the BACK of the club BEHIND the speakers. 4. He wants YOUR phone number, but won’t give you his. 5. He has to drop someone off BEFORE he can come to your place. 6. He says he’s ALONE, but keeps looking around. ...
A man on a construction site 30 floors up had to go to the bathroom. He approached his foreman and told him that he was going down to use the facilities. The foreman told him he was crazy. By the time he got down and back he'd lose a half hour of time. The foreman pushed a plank out over the edge of the building. He stood on one end and told the guy to go out on the other end...
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?" Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" ...
Ancient Chinese Wisdom: Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Foolish man give wife grand piano; wise man give wife upright organ. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. Man who...
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, “Ribbit! 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit! 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs...
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, “Ribbit! 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit! 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs...
The Gift A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of...
I NEED TO KNOW I hope I'm not late Little that I know Outside your gate Vulnerable to the unknown Your eyes keep you from seeing Our worldly devices Underneath your feet Beckoning surprises Undoubting wonders Take you around Will not stop at anything Isolation to be found Lock after lock Like a small jail Will never find the keys Another small tale Intruders to the mind Test our...
What's the difference between looking for a golfball and Lady Godiva? Answer: One is a hunt on a course; the other is... (this is a...
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going. She replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas." He questioned her as to why she was going, and she told him, "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free." He pondered that for a while, went into the house, packed his...
One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon: Demon: Why so glum, chum? Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell. Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink....
George, the postman, was retiring after 30 years. And today was the LAST day on his route. As he approached Mrs. Smith's residence, she opened the door and said: "Oh, George! I think it is SO wonderful! Just think - 30 years on the job!" She took him by the arm and led him into the house. "Today, in celebration, I have a SURPRISE for you!" She sat him down at the dining room...
Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a senior citizen's residence. They met one day in the social center, and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and she accepted. They had a lovely evening and afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after dinner drink. Things...
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