A girl got in line to donate blood at the local blood bank. She got to talking to the man in line in front of her and asked how often he donated blood. He corrected her, stating that he was there to donate sperm. Really, she said, how much do they pay for sperm donations? $50.00 the man stated. The girl replied that she only made $10.00 each time she donated blood. After the...
Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jones' wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank. A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken him for John said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear...
From the State where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes a (supposedly) true story from Madison, Wisconsin. Recently a police patrol car routinely parked outside a local Neighborhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly...
A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their butler that they were giving him the evening off to do as he pleased since they would be out until quite late. The couple went to a ball and dinner. After an hour an a half, the wife told her husband that she was bored and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next stay. The husband...
Harry had a bit of a drinking problem. Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole, and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to...
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." ...
A doctor and his lover are having an argument in the morning over breakfast and the doctor blurts out, "You know what? You're not that great in bed anyway!" So he goes off to work and thinks it over and decides to call his boyfriend and make amends....So he calls the house and the phone rings many, many times and then his lover finally answers the phone completely out of ...
The newly ordained priest arrives at his first assignment and is getting settled in when the pastor asks him to take confessions on Saturday morning. To help him out, the pastor gives him a book with all possible sins, and suggested penances. So the young priest goes over to the church, goes into the box and begins hearing confessions. After the usual run, a voice from behind the...
Two police officers saw this old man staggering down the street. Stopping him, they can tell he has had far too much to drink and instead of taking him to jail they decide to just drive him home. They loaded him into the police cruiser and one of the officers gets in the back with the drunken man. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the man where he lived, all he...
A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Gee,I wonder what happened to this parrot?" "I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot." "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood...
A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Gee,I wonder what happened to this parrot?" "I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot." "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood...
A Russian named Alexi is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie. Alexi is stunned and the genie says, "hello master. I will grant you one wish, anything you want." Alexi begins thinking. Well, I really like drinking vodka. Finally Alexi says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." ...
A doctor gave a 92-year-old man a physical exam. A few days later he happened to notice the man walking down the street with his arm around a gorgeous young woman and grinning from ear to ear. The next time he encountered the man, the doctor said, "You are really doing great, aren't you?" "Just doing what you said, Doc," the man agreed. "You said, 'Get a hot mamma and be...
A doctor gave a 92-year-old man a physical exam. A few days later he happened to notice the man walking down the street with his arm around a gorgeous young man and grinning from ear to ear. The next time he encountered the man, the doctor said, "You are really doing great, aren't you?" "Just doing what you said, Doc," the man agreed. "You said, 'Get a hot number and be...
A Russian named Alexi is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie. Alexi is stunned and the genie says, "hello master. I will grant you one wish, anything you want." Alexi begins thinking. Well, I really like drinking vodka. Finally Alexi says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." ...
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance", says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache." "No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on." A week later ...
Lost at Sea Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he...
This middle-aged handsome and well groomed guy was in a pet shop, when he spotted this parrot, and fell in love with it as soon as she saw it. He went to the shop owner and told him that he'd like to buy the bird as a surprise for his special friend. He said he would sell it to him, but he warned her that the bird had been brought up by some male prostitute in a brothel, and had...
This lady was in a pet shop, when she spotted this parrot, and fell in love with it as soon as she saw it. She went to the shop owner and told him that she'd like to buy the bird. He said he would sell it to her, but he warned her that the bird had been brought up by some chick in a brothel, and had picked up some of the lingo. The woman said that she'd still like to have to bird,...
Young Bill was courting Miguel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Bill's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Bill spied his prize bull doing the business on one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Miguel. He ...
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman. "That's unfair !" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." "Shut up!" barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork....
It was the usual scene in the City's Night Court, the Police had rounded up the usual collection of street walkers and brought them before the Judge. Three hookers stood before him, all arrested on the same corner. He asked the first lady what she had to say for herself. The woman was irate, "I don't know what all this is about, your Honor. I'm a college student doing research for a ...
45. Act naturally 44. Found missing 43. Resident alien 42. Advanced BASIC 41. Genuine imitation 40. Airline Food 39. Good grief 38. Same difference 37. Almost exactly 36. Government organization 35. Sanitary landfill 34. Alone together 33. Legally drunk 32. Silent scream 31. Living dead 30. Small crowd 29. Business ethics 28. Soft rock 27. Butt Head 26. Military...
Grievance I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: 1) I do physical labor, I work at great depths 2) I plunge head first into everything I do 3) I do not get weekends off or public holidays 4) I work in a damp environment 5) I don't get paid overtime 6) I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation 7) I work in high temperatures 8) My work...
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